Grasping the nettle

When B started school in September I never gave much thought to the way in which her social life would develop (and immediately overtake mine, though that’s not saying much!) nor the speed with which the invitations would flow in. Combined with the invitations for E from nursery friends we are now here, there and everywhere at weekends.

While I’m delighted my girls are good enough company to attract these invitations, the need to be “here, there and everywhere” has meant I can no longer ignore the driving anxiety which has developed gradually over the last ten years. Driving around built up areas and at 30mph is fine but the prospect of a dual carriageway, of 40+mph or anywhere I can’t pull over and stop if necessary brings a rising sense of panic. When I’m in these situations the unease starts in my chest and comes up to my throat where it catches and I’m kind of gulping for breath. My instinct is to slow down and bring the car to a halt but of course that can be dangerous and doesn’t get me to wherever I need to go, or more importantly back again! I often have the added pressure of one or two small passengers who want things passing to them or who want to sing or not sing, or who want to get out of the car because they’re fed up! Having your most precious spectators in the back who cannot understand your behaviour does not generate calmness!

The particular party which brought this situation to a head was in Kidderminster and ideally I would have taken B while G had E. It’s about 7 miles from our house in Stourbridge and only a 15 minute drive. The journey begins and ends within my comfort zone but in between is a fast road through fields. I’m sure I’d appreciate its prettiness if I could allow myself to! I’ve driven there once before and I remember it was a panicky drive but I was motivated by the lure of a browse in Dunelm! This was some time ago so, feeling nervous, I attempted a practise run in advance of the party but this did not go well. The panic set in as soon as I’d left the built up area and I ended up stopping at every opportunity, not all ideal, just to get some respite from it. I made it most of the way but it was an awful journey and, fearing the return journey, I turned round and came home. E was in the back asking ‘Mummy, why are we turning round?’! Me: ‘Because Mummy doesn’t feel comfortable so we’ll just go back to our Tesco and you can have some fruit’. The offer of fruit is a surprisingly good distraction for a small child and stopped further awkward questions! Thank you Tesco for this helpful freebie!

On the day of the party G drove us there, so we could arrive safely and on time! I drove back. It was difficult and in the end I had to use a different, easier route for part of the way which felt a bit like cheating. But at least G saw how I struggled and it was some comfort having someone in the passenger seat to reassure and encourage me … and tell me I was too close to the kerb! 

I can’t express how ridiculous I find this whole situation! I think I am a reasonably competent driver; I’ve been driving for more than twenty years and while I have probably picked up a few bad habits, I know how to drive safely on different types of roads. Unfortunately, what I know in one part of my brain seems to be drowned out by some rather irrational fears in another part! I don’t feel safe when driving at higher speeds or when I feel I can’t stop and must keep on driving in the flow of traffic. The result is an overwhelming sense of panic. Concentrating on your breathing is supposed to help and does a bit but mostly I’m gulping and saying ‘Lord, help me!’ in my head! Thankfully the Lord has helped and we have always been safe but it’s far from a comfortable situation.

In most respects in my life, age has brought a little increased confidence, wisdom and knowledge borne out of the experiences of life. But when it comes to driving I’m like the 10 year old Amy who clung to the side of the swimming pool terrified as soon as she was out of her depth! I continue to detest swimming and avoid it as much as possible!

If I never swim again it will not be the end of the world, but I do not like succumbing to this driving fear and the smallness of my world which is resulting from it. I have set routes to the places I really need to go and they are sometimes rather indirect! I’d like to be able to drive wherever I want using the most direct route; there are no end of nice or useful places nearby which I’d like to feel I could visit. I definitely don’t want to have to decline the girls’ party invitations or other trips with them and nor do I want to have to rely on G or anyone else to chauffeur me about. So, in an attempt to take the bull by the horns I have booked a driving lesson with someone who specialises in nervous drivers. He is trained in CBT and may be able to help me to identify and address some of the reasons for my fears as well as giving me some time to just drive without my usual little passengers or anywhere particular to get to.

I have no idea how this will go: it could well be among the worst two hours of my life; right up there with being confronted with death and the agonies of childbirth! But I am praying it will instead be a more positive experience where I can learn some techniques for keeping calm and perhaps start to retrieve the freedom I once had. I know this is just the start of what will almost certainly be a long and difficult journey (I feel justified in using this word given the context!) but I have to try. If all I achieve is to not get any worse then that’s still a positive outcome.

As for this blog, I’m not sure my life is interesting enough to warrant one! But I thought it would be a way of helping me stay positive, getting a little support and accountability along the way and perhaps raising awareness of something which is not often acknowledged but apparently affects many people, especially mums who feel the responsibility of having little lives in the back seat and who have an other half who does all the driving when out together. So, if you have nerves of steel and can hack being in the passenger seat next to a self-confessed crazy lady driver, hop into this virtual journey, fasten your seatbelt and we’ll hit the road!