Hello and Happy 2022! I hope you’re well and have enjoyed the festive period despite the continuing challenges of the pandemic.

I’ve been wondering whether to continue this blog which I started two years ago now. My efforts to tackle my driving fears took a backseat during the early part of the pandemic; the empty roads were ideal for a nervous driver to get some practice but we were instructed to stay at home! However, over the last six months or so I’ve made a more concentrated effort to face my fears and although progress is slow, I have made some! A number of people responded to my initial blog post saying they are also anxious at the wheel and, since the periods of lockdown, other people have told me about a loss of confidence with driving. So I’ve decided to resume this blog in the hope it might encourage others. So here’s what’s been happening.

After the initial lockdown in 2020 I had to get driving again. Fortunately I had little choice because E was still at nursery and I had to drop off and collect her three days a week. All work-related driving stopped for many months and continues to be very minimal as I’m largely home-based now. However in the middle of 2021 I became very mindful that the nursery visits were going to end in August as E was starting school in September and I would have very little need to drive on a daily basis. I knew I had to be more proactive and with some support I’ve ended up using a three-pronged attack to face my fears:

Firstly, I bought a self-help book about cognitive behavioural therapy on my Kindle. It’s a kind of workbook with exercises to do to identify your fears, the feelings they cause and to think about how you can overcome them in small steps. Writing down what I’m fearful of, why and how I could think about the fears differently and more rationally has been hugely helpful. The book also includes practical work on how to use distraction techniques and how to deal with the physical effects of panic.

This is the book if you’re interested but I’d advise buying a hard copy as it would be easier to do the exercises than with a Kindle version:

I’m sure other similar books are available but this is just the one I happened upon and found useful!

Secondly, I had some therapy; only 4 or 5 sessions but it helped me to think about my personality traits, why my mind and feelings work as they do, and the choices I have. I’ve been choosing not to face my driving fears for a long time and I’ve got myself into a situation where I feel trapped. But, I can choose to change that. I need to find the determination and motivation to change the situation for myself.

Thirdly, I had some focused prayer and practical support from family and friends at church. This has included suggesting that I drive when we’ve been out together and offering to be a passenger on practice drives.

This has all worked together to boost my confidence a little and to give me some tools to tackle my fears and I feel less daunted by the task as a result.

I stopped the therapy sessions in September so I could use the time for actual driving. Since then I’ve generally been for a drive on my own after taking the girls to school on a Monday morning as that’s my non-work day. I’d definitely benefit from going out more frequently but I have to be realistic; I don’t want to drive on my own in the dark evenings and I’d rather not have the girls in the car. School holidays and home-schooling got in the way of this plan sometimes during the Autumn term but the main thing is that I’ve felt positive and have done what I can. I have no time limit and any progress is good news.

I’ve been using the road to Bridgnorth for practicing as B had a party to go to in Kinver and we have friends who live in Alveley. I’ve previously avoided this road but with some accompanied and unaccompanied practice I’m feeling more confident using it and have done so recently for specific journeys. It was noticeable how much quicker I got to my destination and it showed me the benefits of my effort.

This morning I’ve done a new route and I felt more confident than I expected. I need to gradually extend my range so I’m comfortable driving for longer periods.

I still have a very long way to go but I feel encouraged by this small amount of progress. Singing is a good distraction for me, but only if I know all the words to a song, and I’m still looking for other things – maybe audio books – to capture my attention and take me into auto-pilot mode with the driving. Having someone to chat to is also helpful but I need to choose my passenger carefully! It needs to be someone I can have an engaging conversation with, where I have to think and participate or it’s not sufficiently distracting! I’m still learning what works best for me.

Well I hope this bit of my story is a little help to anyone who is struggling with a driving-related fear, or any other fear which is limiting your daily activity. It can be addressed, maybe with help or in small steps, sometimes very small steps, but any progress is good.

I’ll be back soon when I’ve got some more progress to report!

So first the good news! I got B to the party with no drama and with very little driving practice since before Christmas. A couple of times I thought too much about what I was doing and the fear started to rise up but I counted backwards from thirty, which is surprisingly hard for my brain, and I was fine before I’d got down to 20! I was glad to have done it and it feels like an achievement even though in terms of distance it was very small. On Monday I drove to and from the Severn Valley Country Park which is a thirty minute cross-country journey I enjoy. I feel more comfortable on quiet country roads than on busier main roads even though the speed limit is similar. And yesterday I drove from Stourbridge to a site in the south of Birmingham for a meeting, again using a quiet cross-country route through Clent and Romsley. So I’ve clocked up a few miles this week and although it was mostly in my comfort zone, all longer distance driving is good practice. I don’t have any other children’s parties to aim for yet but I will go out again this weekend to try and keep the momentum going. Still got to get to Kidderminster and back alone which is a bit of a ‘thing’ in my head …

But here’s the dilemma: The draft Birmingham Transport Plan was published this week for public consultation, a revised planning policy on parking is already out and a Clean Air Zone will take effect in the city centre later this year. Other cities are also finding ways to reduce the reliance on the private car and we await a final decision on HS2. While I am consciously choosing to drive more, local and national government is, rightly I think, trying to limit the use of cars in the interests of air quality and lowering carbon emissions, and to improve public transport. There will be differing views on how best to address these issues, and I’m not commenting here on the merits of these particular strategies, but I do think it is only by all of us making changes to the way we live now that any significant progress will be made.

So, as a conscientious citizen, where does that leave me just now? I think I have a fairly balanced approach to my work travel arrangements, commuting to and from work by train three days a week and driving one day so I can drop E off at Granny’s house. When I need to go on site I try and do several visits at a time to keep the miles to a minimum. However, I do use the car for the majority of local trips, mostly for speed and convenience, and because I nearly always have at least one child with me. Just getting everyone ready to go out can be a challenge on its own without having to cope with people not wanting to walk i.e. physically refusing to move, not being willing to carry anything, deciding they don’t want to ride the bike anymore, etc., etc. What you can do in five minutes in the car takes twenty five minutes on foot and that five minutes might well be a lot less stressful.

Looking ahead, things will change in a couple of years when both girls are at school; I won’t need the car to go to nursery first and will just walk them to school and then carry on to the train station. In the meantime, and especially while I am going out just to practice driving, I thought I could try swapping some of my short driving trips for walking, especially with a little more forward planning. Maybe I can, in an entirely unscientific and unmeasured manner, try to keep my net gain in vehicle emissions to a minimum. So, feel free to encourage me to both drive and walk if you see me over the next few weeks!

Happy New Year! So this is it: the year I learn to enjoy hitting the open road! Well that’s certainly the aim! After my driving lesson I did two or three practice drives with a friend and was able to give a positive update to my driving instructor. I then had to take a couple of weeks off over Christmas and New Year due to illness and general busyness. The lack of practice was somewhat inevitable given the season and wasn’t without some impact but it hasn’t knocked me backed significantly.

Last week we went to Bodenham Arboretum which is about 15 minutes’ drive from our house and half of the journey is on my normal practice route. G drove us there and I drove home. I was mindful that I’d be driving back during our visit but I wasn’t stressing about it. During the drive I did feel a bit anxious, hitting my fear scale around 4 out of 10. I had to get G to ask me some maths questions to distract me! As I already knew, I am very bad at the 8 times table! However, I got us home ok and was glad I had taken the opportunity to drive. It doesn’t feel natural to us as a family for me to drive instead of G but that’s going to have to become normal if I’m to improve.

On Saturday I drove out with a friend and it was good to catch up after Christmas but again I had some anxious moments or periods. It is obvious that for the process of desensitisation to be quicker and more effective then I need more practice. I know the value of regular practice from my piano playing. Ideally, every day is best however it’s winter, it’s completely dark in the evenings, I work, I have small people, etc. So, I have to work with what I’ve got and just keep practicing when I can and if that means it takes me longer to crack this then so be it. I’m not in a rush, but I don’t want to lose the momentum I’ve got going just now. Hopefully slow and steady will win this particular race.

Currently my goal is to be able to get B to a party in a couple of weeks’ time in Blakedown on my own. There are two ways to get there from our house: the A456 via Hagley or the A451 via Iverley, which is my practice road. The A456 is slightly less scary to me in this instance and I am very tempted to go that way but for precisely that reason I must use the scarier road. Working a way around my fears is only allowing them to get bigger.

Part of this goal involves starting to drive happily alone and learning to distract myself early enough to stop the panic setting in. I have a few ideas of how to get to this point, including starting with my driving buddy sitting in the back of the car not speaking! Anyone fancy that slot?! I’m interested to see if the location within the car of any adult passenger makes me feel any different. If so, this could be a way of weaning myself off having a buddy. My car has seats in the boot so potentially a passenger could be two rows back! Alternatively, will talking with 5 year old B prove to be enough of a distraction? E definitely isn’t but then she’s only 2! She can talk very well but our conversations don’t require enough concentration from me! There’s also listening to podcasts or music which might be helpful in the longer term.

So there are some things for me to try out in the coming weeks and I’ll report back after the party!

Today I had my first lesson and I am so relieved! I was desperate for it to arrive! I knew it would be hard but I’ve tried to approach it positively knowing that if I never try I’ll never know if I can deal with this fear or not.

First we sat in the car for about twenty minutes discussing my driving issues and then decided to head out towards Kidderminster as that is the route I recently attempted alone and then with G not very successfully. It’s a 50mph road, it’s fairly straight so you can see quite far ahead, it’s not too busy but it’s wide enough for other drivers to overtake if need be. And there are several pubs with car parks to pull into and analyse your performance!

My instructor, C, talked me through some breathing and distraction techniques and then we drove between three pubs stopping in their car parks to review each section. By the time we reached the first pub I could have happily gone in for a nerve-settling drink but obviously that was not allowed!

C wasn’t worried too much to start with about the speed and it kind of doesn’t matter if the signs on your vehicle show it is being driven by a learner! But as we did more circuits I began to relax and felt happier driving at higher speeds. We had a pretty normal chat amongst the various reminders from C to relax and use the distraction techniques. I dare say I was wittering away but it seemed to help!

I realise now that in some circumstances when driving, I feel the same as I do when I sit in the dentist’s chair! I’m ok, then I tense up subconsciously and then afterwards I realise how tense I am. If I start thinking too much about what I’m doing I tense up; and the distraction needs to start sooner than when I’m beginning to panic.

Indicating my level of fear and anxiety on a scale of 0-10 was helpful. I was at 0 up to the 40mph zone, increasing to 5-6 as we passed the 50mph sign then maybe 8 as we drove on the first couple of times. I didn’t have a full on panic but my chest and throat were tight and I struggled to speak.

We tackled the route, maybe 3 or 4 miles long, in sections with only a few minutes of driving between stops. The more we did it the more I was able to control my body and discipline my mind. By the end I’d say I was between 1 and 3 on the fear scale with the 2 and 3 coming in waves rather than constant. And I did a full there and back to the last pub with no stops on the final lap. I was so proud of myself!

Interesting things I learned:

1. One of the best distraction techniques was answering maths questions! Mental arithmetic is not my forte so this engaged my brain quite well.
2. Driving instructors covering up the speedometer is a weird but surprisingly helpful technique!
3. I rarely drive without stopping for more than a couple of minutes. All my driving is in urban areas and is punctuated by traffic lights or road junctions. In order to improve I need to practice going longer distances.

The things I need to practice now are:

1) Driving between pubs 1 and 2 and back, then between pubs 2 and 3 and back, etc.

2) Keeping both hands on the steering wheel at 3 and 9 o’clock.

3) Shoulders down (think Strictly!)

4) Deeper, regular breathing, NCT-style!

5) Visualisation of me going on an enjoyable drive. Where? Who with? What I’d see? How I’d feel at the wheel?

6) Vocalisation of positive feelings about driving. I have to re-programme my mind to think of it as a positive experience and not allow myself to persist in a negative way of thinking and talking about it.

C warned me that I may feel I’ve gone backwards again when I next go out but I must persist. Whoever my first passenger is will need to be brave! He also asked if I thought I’d want any more lessons so I said a definite yes! I would like to tackle dual carriageways with his assistance but I know I mustn’t allow myself to become reliant on him and his dual control pedals, which incidentally were not required!

I have to practice with a passenger (of the adult variety!) the route we did today over the next couple of weeks and then ring C to update him. I’m aiming to feel comfortable enough to do it alone (or more practically with a child passenger!). Also it would be good to actually make it to Kidderminster and reward myself with a trip to Dunelm! I think the urban roads start about a mile or so after pub 3.

I am very reluctant to practice in the dark so I need to book up some passengers for the weekends. I figure having a chat with someone I don’t see every day may prove to be a good distraction and if they’re also good at maths it will help!

So, if you see me over the next couple of weeks feel free to ask me what practicing I’ve done and to tell me off if I haven’t done any! Thanks for all your support and prayers; it is greatly appreciated. I’ll report back soon!

Thanks for all the messages in response to my first post. It seems I’m not the only one who is struggling with something and I’m glad that in some cases help is being sought. For anyone suffering from some kind of anxiety I can only advise, do something about it as soon as it starts because trying to deal with it then must surely be easier than waiting for years like I have!

It’s been a quiet week in terms of driving. I was off work last week, mostly doing jobs around the house with no real need to drive anywhere.  I felt like I should have taken the opportunity to go for a child-free drive but I’m not keen to go alone at the moment and I couldn’t think of anyone who might have the time to come with me who wouldn’t have had to bring a child! Starting to tackle something like this when it gets dark so early isn’t ideal either!

I feel I’m just waiting now for my driving lesson which is next Monday. I’m hoping it will prompt some new activity on my part as, presumably, I will have some practising to do.  In the meantime I’m trying not to analyse my driving too much in case I get more anxious about what has been comfortable. 

I have, however, been thinking about where I’d like to be able to visit so I have some goals to aim for. Here’s my list in what I think is the approximate order of difficulty, easiest first:

Bodenham Arboretum (I have an annual pass and could take E on a Monday)

Kidderminster (Dunelm!)

Bewdley/Safari Park

Ikea, Wednesbury 

Birmingham via Manor Way dual carriageway (super-scary!)

Bridgnorth 

Worcester

I’ve also been wondering if I should be aiming higher than I am. I’m kind of saying to myself, “Just be able to get to Kidderminster or Ikea without panicking and that’ll do” but a little bit of me would like to actually enjoy driving. The Bible says that Jesus came to bring life in its fullness. Perhaps for me in this situation the fullness means doing more than just getting by.  

G and I have both separately wondered if I need to do some sort of racing car experience! I’m probably not ready for that just yet but perhaps it could be part of my plan. Under the right circumstances it might help to re-programme my mind into thinking driving is fun and speed can be handled safely. It is probably also the case that I don’t know much about how a car works! Why would I?! Cars these days are full of warning signs for this and that so I just look them up in the manual when they appear! But perhaps if I understood how the car works in terms of speeding up and slowing down I could feel more in control. 

So, there is the possibility of adding a few things into my strategy to get back to a fuller driving experience to accompany the inevitable time spent just practicing driving. 

Hopefully all will be well for my lesson next week and I’ll post again after that! 

When B started school in September I never gave much thought to the way in which her social life would develop (and immediately overtake mine, though that’s not saying much!) nor the speed with which the invitations would flow in. Combined with the invitations for E from nursery friends we are now here, there and everywhere at weekends.

While I’m delighted my girls are good enough company to attract these invitations, the need to be “here, there and everywhere” has meant I can no longer ignore the driving anxiety which has developed gradually over the last ten years. Driving around built up areas and at 30mph is fine but the prospect of a dual carriageway, of 40+mph or anywhere I can’t pull over and stop if necessary brings a rising sense of panic. When I’m in these situations the unease starts in my chest and comes up to my throat where it catches and I’m kind of gulping for breath. My instinct is to slow down and bring the car to a halt but of course that can be dangerous and doesn’t get me to wherever I need to go, or more importantly back again! I often have the added pressure of one or two small passengers who want things passing to them or who want to sing or not sing, or who want to get out of the car because they’re fed up! Having your most precious spectators in the back who cannot understand your behaviour does not generate calmness!

The particular party which brought this situation to a head was in Kidderminster and ideally I would have taken B while G had E. It’s about 7 miles from our house in Stourbridge and only a 15 minute drive. The journey begins and ends within my comfort zone but in between is a fast road through fields. I’m sure I’d appreciate its prettiness if I could allow myself to! I’ve driven there once before and I remember it was a panicky drive but I was motivated by the lure of a browse in Dunelm! This was some time ago so, feeling nervous, I attempted a practise run in advance of the party but this did not go well. The panic set in as soon as I’d left the built up area and I ended up stopping at every opportunity, not all ideal, just to get some respite from it. I made it most of the way but it was an awful journey and, fearing the return journey, I turned round and came home. E was in the back asking ‘Mummy, why are we turning round?’! Me: ‘Because Mummy doesn’t feel comfortable so we’ll just go back to our Tesco and you can have some fruit’. The offer of fruit is a surprisingly good distraction for a small child and stopped further awkward questions! Thank you Tesco for this helpful freebie!

On the day of the party G drove us there, so we could arrive safely and on time! I drove back. It was difficult and in the end I had to use a different, easier route for part of the way which felt a bit like cheating. But at least G saw how I struggled and it was some comfort having someone in the passenger seat to reassure and encourage me … and tell me I was too close to the kerb! 

I can’t express how ridiculous I find this whole situation! I think I am a reasonably competent driver; I’ve been driving for more than twenty years and while I have probably picked up a few bad habits, I know how to drive safely on different types of roads. Unfortunately, what I know in one part of my brain seems to be drowned out by some rather irrational fears in another part! I don’t feel safe when driving at higher speeds or when I feel I can’t stop and must keep on driving in the flow of traffic. The result is an overwhelming sense of panic. Concentrating on your breathing is supposed to help and does a bit but mostly I’m gulping and saying ‘Lord, help me!’ in my head! Thankfully the Lord has helped and we have always been safe but it’s far from a comfortable situation.

In most respects in my life, age has brought a little increased confidence, wisdom and knowledge borne out of the experiences of life. But when it comes to driving I’m like the 10 year old Amy who clung to the side of the swimming pool terrified as soon as she was out of her depth! I continue to detest swimming and avoid it as much as possible!

If I never swim again it will not be the end of the world, but I do not like succumbing to this driving fear and the smallness of my world which is resulting from it. I have set routes to the places I really need to go and they are sometimes rather indirect! I’d like to be able to drive wherever I want using the most direct route; there are no end of nice or useful places nearby which I’d like to feel I could visit. I definitely don’t want to have to decline the girls’ party invitations or other trips with them and nor do I want to have to rely on G or anyone else to chauffeur me about. So, in an attempt to take the bull by the horns I have booked a driving lesson with someone who specialises in nervous drivers. He is trained in CBT and may be able to help me to identify and address some of the reasons for my fears as well as giving me some time to just drive without my usual little passengers or anywhere particular to get to.

I have no idea how this will go: it could well be among the worst two hours of my life; right up there with being confronted with death and the agonies of childbirth! But I am praying it will instead be a more positive experience where I can learn some techniques for keeping calm and perhaps start to retrieve the freedom I once had. I know this is just the start of what will almost certainly be a long and difficult journey (I feel justified in using this word given the context!) but I have to try. If all I achieve is to not get any worse then that’s still a positive outcome.

As for this blog, I’m not sure my life is interesting enough to warrant one! But I thought it would be a way of helping me stay positive, getting a little support and accountability along the way and perhaps raising awareness of something which is not often acknowledged but apparently affects many people, especially mums who feel the responsibility of having little lives in the back seat and who have an other half who does all the driving when out together. So, if you have nerves of steel and can hack being in the passenger seat next to a self-confessed crazy lady driver, hop into this virtual journey, fasten your seatbelt and we’ll hit the road!